Receiving my diagnosis

At the age of 38, I was told by the psychologist that I had "a beautiful neurodiverse brain" when she officially diagnosed me with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and ADHD (combined presentation).

I felt a combination of things, fear, relief, anxiety, uncertainty and happiness all in one - it was very confusing! I cried a little when she told me, she explained that I was stimming throughout (for me that was feeling the material of my t-shirt, biting the inside of my mouth and rocking/moving about) and that it was ok to do those things if I needed to (first time anyone has every said that to me as opposed to telling me to stop it). She said that although I had evidently learnt how to make eye contact, she could see that it was forced and not natural, so I needed to learn to be myself and not force uncomfortable behaviours. However her biggest concern was my self confidence, that I had spent 38 years hiding - as a child I had been made to conform and learn specific behaviours, pushing my true self deep down. When she asked what I was good at, I couldn't answer and that was down to not actually knowing who I was.

As a result in my adult life I have been struggling, I was originally misdiagnosed with depression and put onto medications which just didn't seem to do anything. However following diagnosis it was the realisation that it was autistic burnout and that actually I have been doing things myself that have helped without realising it. I had already left full time work as there was just too much stress for me and changed careers to focus on what I love. As a teen I moved myself away the upbringing that I struggled so hard with to allow myself to be a little more independent and free, I started to learn how to make friends that were right for me and allowed me to be myself - I met my now husband who really got me as an individual and encouraged my quirks instead of wanting me to hide them. I have had pets in my life, which I always wanted, but was never allowed to have and now they bring me so much love, joy and calm when I can stroke their soft fur - although hubby has drawn the line at 4 cats now!

For some people a diagnosis isn't important and that is ok, if you are free to be who you need to be and are happy, that is great. But for me I needed the validation, that I'm not "a weirdo" as I always told everyone, but actually my brain is just wired a little differently and that's it's ok to be me. Things I struggled with growing up weren't my imagination or me making things up, but were actually something to me. My struggles with friendships and social groups, my anxieties about going to new places and changes to routines, hating fireworks (I mean who hates fireworks? Everyone would be so excited but I would hide away) and being upset but not knowing whyI felt that way or what it meant, feeling unloved when I was surrounded by all these people from the extended family.

So for me there have been so many positives about receiving a diagnosis, however there have been some negatives, the hardest part was hearing from a family member "oh, that's such a shame" because the stigma of autism being a problem, that there is something wrong with you and having to explain that it isn't a shame, my brain just works differently. Especially in the Asian community, anything that is different to "normal" is bad, disgraceful or embarrassing - this is pretty much what I was told my entire life when growing up, but more on that next time, for now I will embrace my beautiful neurodiverse brain knowing who I am.