Apologies for the radio silence the past couple of weeks, it's been tricky with lots going on and in my true style I've been trying to deal with it all internally as opposed to asking for help - this had led to a few meltdowns and frustrations along the way. Asking for help is something that I rarely do these days, I was asked to think about why this is and have come to realise that a lot comes from my childhood where I did ask for help, but never got it.
I remember very vividly being at school and telling other kids that I hated my life, that I didn't want to live it anymore - some would say tell an adult, but I was so scared of adults in general that I wouldn't breathe a word. Obviously other kids don't know what to do and some maybe thought I was joking, so nothing happened. So I remember trying to reach out to teachers in a less obvious way, I wouldn't eat at school, I would tell them that I didn't want food. I had teachers taking it seriously and asking me to show them my lunch, which I wouldn't do and eventually she rang my mum to voice her concerns. Unfortunately for me, my mum found that embarrassing (as many Asian parents do if someone says there might be something "wrong" with your child), she came home from work and shouted at me, telling me not to do that again...I went to hide in my bedroom, in tears hugging my teddies as they were the only ones who understood me.
So it went on, I would outright ask for help less and less, trying to figure out problems and solutions inside. I never felt that anyone understood me, I would smile and put on my act around people and then get home and fall apart. I made a plan of how I would get myself out and some freedom, I worked hard at school, got good qualifications and went to University! Life was good for a while having freedom, making new friends, however I had to work quite a bit too so I could afford food, drink and some money for fun too. I passed my degree, with a 2:2 which was very disappointing for my family, but it was what I needed so I didn't care too much especially as I know I didn't work as hard as I could, but there was no way I was asking for help if I could scrape the grade I needed!
Then I did my PGCE in PE, this I was desperate to do well with especially as I was always told sport wasn't for girls, I wanted to prove everyone wrong - but I was struggling in my second term especially with the second school mentor and then coursework. So I went to see the subject leader, told her that I was struggling and couldn't understand why - she didn't think I was good enough, told me that my work didn't show any signs of dyslexia so there was no problem and if I wasn't able to do it to drop out. I felt like I was accepted as the "token brown person" on the course just to make up numbers and she didn't really want me there, it broke me a little, I started calling "in sick" and trying to avoid the placement. They said I wasn't doing well enough and I would have try to an extended placement at my first school again - however this made me ecstatic as I loved the mentor in the first school and she thought I was amazing. The first day back with her, she said "what have they done to you?" She built up my confidence, got me working back up to my potential, gave me praise and a week after everyone else got signed off, I did too! She bought me such lovely gifts too and I am forever thankful for her amazing help and support.
By then I had made some connections with people who got me and are still my "uni girls" now, I love them with all my heart and I wouldn't have made it to here without their support - I don't think I ever asked them for help, but they knew I needed it and gave unconditionally. I also met my now husband, who again just got me, we were two peas in a pod from the word go. Life became a little easier doing our own thing and having a partner in crime so to speak. Then when we had the kids I made some mum friends, who again understand, help and support unconditionally, I've seen these ladies band together when someone is in need and make special things happen, it's amazing!
But then COVID-19 struck and made things tricky for a lot of people, life got thrown upside down a few times, my trampolining club was closed down so many times and my saviours at the club, "Tina's Angels" as they like to call themselves, helped and stood by me, building me up as I tried to claw back, but I lost the plot along the way. Covid itself and then long covid turned my world upside down, I am not the same person as before as I am still suffering the effects - but this led to a stretch of depression (possibly also autistic burnout). I finally asked the doctor for help and got put onto antidepressants, it was then the honesty and openness that made a difference. I spoke with my sister at length, we talked about so much and between us we have a lot of trauma to digest, but I feel like our relationship has become stronger than ever - that actually she has always known me, but had her own stuff going on too. I feel like our relationship has grown and it's so easy to message or call her and know that we both have each others back and understand.
Unfortunately other people have responded in less positive ways, I have been in tears and been told "well thinking about things like that is the wimps was out" and being told that they will go so I "can rest" because they didn't want to talk about it or know about it (typical Asian response right???) I've also been told by that my autism doesn't matter/affect anything as I have "made it to 38 with no problems" I had to respond that actually I have struggled for 38 years and I am trying to get help, but I think it went over their head.
So, where are we now? I am trying to ask for little bits of help here and there, I have delegated at work for possibly the first time ever, giving someone admin tasks, that is a massive breakthrough! I'm trying to encourage a bit more equality in "home jobs" and house admin, because I can't do it all alone. I am still getting asked "why didn't you ask me for help" and the truth is I find it hard and don't want to put people out, because that is what I was made to feel when I was younger. If someone offers help, I am more willing to accept these days and I am really trying to make myself ask for it, I will get there - it is a process, I am working on it.
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